My Great Reward

Josh got me a new CD a few weeks ago. It is William Matthews first CD, called "Hope's Anthem". Check it out here. He is a wonderful worship leader, originally from IHOP I believe and now he leads at Bethel all the time. Anyways, I have been listening to the CD a lot, but today God totally used one of his songs to meet me where I am at.

Josh and I have been going through some serious trials recently financially. Our whole marriage has been filled with financial testing, and I was ready for it to be over with a long time ago. Just this past week, however, another wave came crashing down on top of us and it annihilated me *okay, so I am being a little dramatic...but it really sucked.*

Anyways, a friend of ours asked me how I was doing and it led to a conversation that was NEEDED, but it was tough for me to swallow the things he was saying. He really felt like I needed to turn to the Lord and lay it all down before Him. That really is the only way.

So then this afternoon I was playing Will's CD and the song, "My Great Reward" came on. Without giving you all the lyrics, here are the ones that really ministered to my heart today...

...Healer of the broken, defender of the weak
I'll worship you for all my days

...Jesus you are my great reward
You are the prize worth living for
So I'll trade it all to love you more
My great reward, My great reward...

Jesus is my great reward... that to me was like revelation from Heaven today. Jesus. Just Jesus. What does it mean for Him to be my great reward? Most people...okay, I... think of a great reward as a raise at a job, nice things (cars, clothes, dates, etc.) I really felt so stirred today as I was thinking of our situation about the true meaning of great reward. All of life's valuables are great. Don't get me wrong, I am the first to tell you I want a house one day. I would love to have 2 cars so my husband and I didn't have to share one. I would love cable....or even just a TV. Sacrifice has been the name of the game the past three years. Every time I feel like I have given up all I can give up, the Lord takes it to a whole new level. And I am not happy about it. I won't sit here and say that I know what it means to make Jesus my great reward... yet. But I think what Jesus was trying to speak to me was that no matter what...no matter what...I will lay my desires, longings, needs, everything, before His throne. Jesus wants to be all that I need.

"So I'll trade it all to love you more..." That lyric is hard. I mean seriously. I will trade it ALL. That is asking so much. That takes serious Faith. Trust. Surrender. I have a difficult time surrendering my will. I am on board with the Lord wanting to give us the desires of our hearts. But before He says he will do that, He says, Delight yourself in the Lord. Only then will He give you the desires of your heart. Delight... does that mean just enjoy the Lord? A friend of mine once said that it means to stay like clay in His hands. To give all of yourself to Him. Only when you give it ALL, does He give you your desires. I'll trade it all to love you more. Hmm. Teach me this Jesus. I want to be willing to lay EVERYTHING at Jesus' feet. To say, "It is all yours, if only I can know Your heart more than I do now". Is all that I need/want in life to know the heart of the Father? Tough. Really, really tough. The religion in me would say, why yes of course. Because that is the answer that will make me look put together, faithful, and truly walking with the Lord. But the freedom in me says to be honest with myself. That I am nowhere near perfect, and that is okay.